Tom Cruise Goes On His Own 'Cruisade' - July 7, 2005  

Outspoken actor Tom Cruise today published an extensive list of things he believes are untrue, further confirming rumours that he has gone insane.

Since being squirted in the eye by a London interviewer three weeks ago, the diminutive star has been unable to keep his radical views to himself, and is on a crusade to ‘clear up misconceptions amongst the public’.

Publication of his list follows his blistering attack on psychiatry and Brooke Shields’ use of anti-depressants to deal with post-partum depression. During a TV interview, Cruise stated that, “psychiatry is a pseudoscience that destroys lives. I learned a lot about getting your head messed up by a therapist during Top Gun and I simply don’t trust them - not since Goose died.”

Cruise’s radical views stem from his belief in the Church of Scientology, founded by the late science fiction novelist L Ron Hubbard. When reached for comment, Old Mother Hubbard expressed concern that so many people actually believed his writings to be true. “He was a fiction writer. Hello-o-o-o!?!! I know the bible caught on, but this is ridiculous. Still, it provides me and my poor dog with an income.”

The Cruise list of ‘Things The Public Wrongly Believes To Be True’ includes:

- The existence of air; we actually breathe invisible marshmallows.

- That 9/11 was committed by Arab terrorists; it was really the first wave of a Martian attack.

- The Holocaust; there is no such things as words that begin with the letter ‘H’ or any such thing as Jews.

Cruise does however hold a firm belief in God, as it is the only way to explain how an annoying little elf could have such a great career and get to sleep with so many beautiful women.