England Cricket Team Regains It's Mojo - September 15, 2005  

As England fans continue to celebrate their team’s winning of the Ashes, speculation and debate continues as to the origins of one of the sports world’s most coveted trophies.

Recent advances in DNA testing have disputed the generally accepted story, that a group of Melbourne ladies burned a set of bails and presented the ashes to a touring English team, who took them home where they have remained ever since.

While most Australian historians claim the urn is really full of kangaroo poo, independent DNA tests indicate the urn contains the mojo of the 1877 English Cricket team, which travelled to Australia and suffered its first defeat there. The mojo is believed to have fallen onto the pitch after WG Grace, a massive gay, was bowled out for a duck. The harsh Australian sun then reduced the mojo to a pile of ashes, explaining England’s blistering losing streak ever since.

Despite Australia’s continued victories over the English cricket team in the last few decades, the Ashes have remained in England amid claims that the tiny urn was ‘too delicate’ to survive the journey down under. This concern has mostly focused on severe delays on the District Line.

Australia’s Prime Minister, Little Johnnie Howard, is rumoured to be planning to send in Australia’s elite special forces, Delta Vegemite, to steal back the Ashes. It is understood that he then plans to swallow the contents of the urn with a Fosters chaser, giving him special ‘Crocodile Dundee-like’ super powers.

The English team’s victory has had a minor impact on financial markets this week, much to the relief of city analysts. England’s surprise win in the1987  Ashes series was largely blamed for the global stock market crash of the same year.