The Comedy Tree News Archive
Tesco Announces Record £2bn Profits - April 15, 2005
Tesco became the first British retailer to make £2bn in annual profits as it reported strong sales growth and announced plans to increase its international expansion.
Chief Executive Sir Terry Leahy announced that Tesco's overall turnover increased 12.4% to £37.1bn, with sales in the UK making up £29.5bn of that figure. His eyes then grew big and he held a torch up to his face before bellowing “Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
Having expanded into non-food products such as clothes, books and CDs, Sir Terry said the group would expand into medical treatment and surgery later this year. “We will capitalise on opportunities created by NHS waiting lists and offer 3 for the price of 2 on all voluntary surgery. Patients will earn Clubcard points and we will also open a 24-hour Surgery Hypermarket. It will close early on Sundays, every third Tuesday and twice a month on a completely unscheduled basis”.
According to analysts, Tesco receives £1 in every £3 spent in supermarkets, holding a 30.2% share of Britain's grocery market. Put another way, whilst Tesco practically has British consumers by the balls, statistically it has all consumers by 60% of the one ball.
Tesco's diversification into higher profit, non-food items has eaten into the sales and profits of high street retailers such as Boots, whose directors were recently seen rummaging through bins and asking tourists for spare change.
Consumer groups criticised Tesco’s stratospheric profits but Tesco said that “the real winners were consumers”. Tesco’s customers will now be added to the growing list of ‘winning consumers’ which already includes the customers of HSBC, Shell and the people of Iraq.
