US Blames Islamic Star Wars Fans for Uzbek Massacre - May 19, 2005  

The US says it is "deeply disturbed" by the killing of unarmed civilians by Islamic Star Wars fanatics during a protest last Friday.

US state department spokesman Richard Boucher said, “These Islamic Star Wars extremists are clearly upset with Revenge of the Sith’s later release in non-Western countries, but this does not justify such a violation of human rights, not even in the intergalactic battle between good and evil.”

Boucher said the CIA had used intelligence to identify those behind the killings. “We know they are Islamic Star Wars fans because many of them were dressed as Sand People and Jawas from the planet Tatooine. Some even looked like Wookies.”

Local sources say several hundred people died when troops shot at unarmed protesters in Andijan on Friday. The Uzbek authorities claim their soldiers did not shoot at anyone, and certainly not any children. “They were droids”, said a Uzbek Army Lieutenant. “There’s nothing to see here. Move along please.”

President Islam Karimov has blamed his country’s wider civil unrest on Islamic extremists having access to Western movies. “Iran makes plenty of good movies about goats and old men who tell interesting parables to inquisitive school children that don’t incite Muslims to movie-based violence. You should have seen the streets when Lord of the Rings premiered. There were Muslims with hairy feet everywhere.”

President Bush was unavailable for comment but is said to be unaware that people live in Central Asia. “Uzbekistan?” he asked. “Is that that vodka that tastes like liquorice?”