British Officials Deny Russian 'Spy Rock' Claims - January 26, 2006

The Russian state security service, FSB, has released footage of British diplomats allegedly using a high-tech rock to spy on the former Soviet Republic. 

Whilst the Russian government was extremely concerned by the spying threat, officials from the FSB (formerly the KGB) sounded almost gleeful with the news. FSB spokesman, Boris Vodkadrynczalot said, “People used to fear us, but not now. Do you know what FSB stands for? Forgotten Sons of Bitches.”

A former British spy master, who refused to be named, but drank several vodka martinis and slept with numerous women whilst being interviewed, agreed with his former nemesis. “When the cold war ended, it all fell apart - people downsized and went into dotcoms and late night infomercials. Hey, you want to buy a hair curler that’s also a blow torch? I’ve got 5,000 of them in my invisible van.” 

While UK officials have vigorously denied having any knowledge of anything whatsoever, they claimed that budget cutbacks have forced MI6 to use old technology to uncover foreign secrets, such as tin cans connected by pieces of string. “The tools we have to work with now aren’t great,” said the former British spy. “I couldn’t even find my four year old son the other day when we were playing hide and seek. Turns out he was hiding behind a pile of WMDs in Tehran. Kids!”

Techniques currently employed by MI6 include:

● ‘Short range surveillance’ through the use of newspapers with eyeholes cut in them

● ‘Room tapping’ by placing a drinking glass against a door and carefully listening in

● 'Mobile eavesdropping’ by dressing up as bush and inconspicuously sidling up to suspects.

British intelligence officials have responded to the Russian spy claims by claiming that the Thames Whale was not what it seemed; it was actually a trained Russian espionage mammal that died of excessive Vodka consumption.