The Comedy Tree News Archive
Vatican Announces Six Million Dollar Rebuild Of Pope - March 10, 2005
The Vatican has announced plans to rebuild Pope John Paul II using advanced bionics technology at a cost of six million ($US) dollars.
Vatican spokesman, Luigi Papa-Giuseppe, described the Pope’s current condition as ‘completely f*cked’, saying that “The 158-year-old pontiff’s death is imminent; he is a man barely alive. We can rebuild him. We have the technology. He will be the world’s first bionic Pope: better, stronger and faster”.
The decision to rebuild the Pope was made after a series of unsuccessful 'Pope Idol' auditions for a replacement in Rome last year. “Most of the applicants were uncharismatic and too religious” said Papa-Giuseppe. “A lot of them were paedophiles who couldn't even sing”.
The Vatican had earmarked Bill Clinton as a potential new 'Pope Idol' before realising he was not a catholic and also a massive sinner.
The Pope will be taken to special biomedical facility in Cleveland Ohio, where he will be rebuilt by NASA scientists. He will be fitted with powerful bionic limbs and a telescopic bionic eye, enabling him to spot non-believers and fornicators from vast distances.
After being refurbished, the six million dollar Pope will be taken to a remote training facility in Arizona, where he will be required to open pickle jars in slow motion, lift large fake-looking rocks and foil would-be sinners by throwing them into piles of cardboard boxes in alley ways.
The team of NASA scientists, however, has yet to address the problem of loud, echoing, mechanical sound effects made by the Pope’s bionic limbs, likely to interfere with sermons. One of the scientists commented, “We're hoping a bit of WD-40 might do the trick.”
