Government To Boost Hard Hit Sex Industry - January 19, 2006

The Government announced new plans to manage prostitution this week, which include the introduction of new brothels and a crack-down on kerb-crawling men. 

The move was prompted by the need to help boost a failing sex industry, hard-hit by increases in Eastern European workers, slags and binge-drinking.

A Government spokesperson said, “The problem started years ago in places such as Faliraki and Tenerife but then young holidaymakers started to bring these cavalier attitudes back with them. Now there are women in places such as Leeds and Essex that would probably pay to get laid.”

To cope with the effect of slags and more exotic foreign imports, modern British prostitutes have become more business-savvy, with many developing business plans and marketing strategies. Margaret, from Liverpool, doesn’t even charge for sex anymore. Instead, her business plan is centred on cross-selling value-added items to customers once they enter her flat.

“From the minute they walk in, the meter is running. The first thing I ask is, ‘Fancy a drink love - single or double? Do you need any Brut 33 or Lynx deodorant?’ Then there’s also a 17.5% VAT charge - Vaginal Added Tax”. Next year, Margaret plans to sell cheap overseas calls, low interest credit cards, and souvenir photo mugs.

The English Collective of Prostitutes’ spokeswoman, Lotta Vagina, said, “We take our Dutch caps off to this government initiative and can only hope for an increase in coitus traffic as a result. To celebrate the changes, we’re having a nation wide clearance sale. We’ve slashed prices and are practically giving it away! Now is the time! Is it crazy? Or am I crazy? The only way to find out is to come down here and put your money where my mouth is!”