The Comedy Tree News Archive
Schiavo Case Gives Rise To Commercial Opportunities - March 23, 2005
A US judge has refused to order doctors to resume feeding Terri Schiavo, the severely brain-damaged Florida woman whose fate has divided her loved ones.
President George W Bush intervened in the case yesterday when he flew back from Texas to personally reconnect the tube. The President said, “Every life is precious and in circumstances like this, it is wise to always err on the side of life”. He returned to Texas immediately to flip a switch to electrocute eleven death row prisoners and then authorised the continuous carpet-bombing of insurgent ’hideouts’ in Fallujah.
Within hours of the Schiavo story making headlines, Columbia Pictures announced a feature film based on the events. The movie, starring Robert De Niro, is to be titled 'Awakenings II: Dude, Where’s My Tube?' It depicts a psychotic, yet vegetative, De Niro awakening from his second coma and terrorising other hospital patients with taunts of “Did you suck my tube? Huh? Huh? Did you suck my tube?”
To coincide with the movie launch, McDonalds is launching the McShiavo Happy Meal which consists of a pulped burger and fries in a drink cup with a straw. A spokesperson for McDonalds said, “The McShiavo Happy Meal not only provides nutrition for vegetables, but is also ideal for astronauts”.
The Schiavo family, who have campaigned heavily for the tube to be re-inserted, today criticised the Daily Mirror for publishing photos depicting Mrs Chiavo on the beach, which they claim are fakes.
When questioned about all of the attention her case has received, Mrs Chiavo responded by breathing heavily. Her tube then gurgled.
