Poisoned Russian Spy Turned into Yul Brynner - 23 November, 2006

Ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko, who was poisoned earlier this week, is still struggling to survive in a London hospital.

Mr Livtenko was given a 50/50 chance of survival by doctors and is said to be glad to be alive but agitated at being turned into Yul Brynner.

Frikynkc Frheezynkc, a friend of Mr Litvinenko's, believes the Russian Secret Service are behind the transformation. He claims that this is another attempt by the Kremlin to reverse a decline in the number of bald men in Russia, which in turn has led to declining sales of the iconic Russian fur hat.

“This is a battle against the economic enemy of the Russian state – hair” said Frheezynkc. “Putin envisages a much balder Russia, as it was back in the day of Vladimir Lenin.”

Frheezynkc claims that Russian Agents failed at an earlier attempt to turn Litvinenko into Kojak, and abandoned plans to turn him into Lex Luther. He also believes that murdered Russian reporter Anna Politkovskaya was accidentally shot by the KGB whilst they attempted to turn her into Sinead O’Connor.

Thallium, the substance used to poison Litvinenko, is a highly-toxic heavy metal. Whilst its general side effects are often death, 50% of victims live to become famous bald men. Frheezynkc tried to look on the bright of Litvinenko's situation, "At least he can finally join the swim team.”

This is not the first time Mr Putin’s government has been accused of using poison to transform its political enemies. Russian agents were believed to be behind the Dioxin poisoning of Viktor Yushchenko, during the 2004 Ukrainian presidential campaign. It is believed the Russian government was trying to turn Yushchenko into Robert De Niro, but instead transformed him into Myra Desmond from Prisoner Cell Block H.