PM's E-mail Reply to Anti-Road Toll Signatories - 22 February, 2007

Dear pleb concerned citizen (sorry typo!),

Firstly, let me clarify that this isn’t a stealth tax, it’s a road tax. Governments have tried to tax stealth in the past but have found it notoriously difficult to track. Hence the reason we’re attacking something simple and obvious, like people driving their cars.

Not only is a road tax a good way to raise money, but it also ties in with current concerns about the environment. People can argue one thing, but I’ll argue that it’s about the environment all the way! Hurrah!

As your Prime Minister, I’m telling you we need road taxes. There just doesn’t seem to be enough money to go around anymore. Despite income and other household taxes being at an all time high, we’re spending more money than ever on things like wars, employing NHS staff to sneer at the sick, pay cheques for rail workers to make up excuses for delays and council housing for the useless. All of this costs a lot of money, and there are no simple answers, except a massive road tax.

Spending more money on public transport doesn’t seem to be the answer. We just can’t seem to get it to work in this country, despite it being three times more expensive than in neighbouring countries. I went to France recently and I couldn’t believe it! Not only was the food, wine and culture terrific, we frequently caught public transport and didn’t hear a single apology! But people in Britain just don’t want to do their jobs and it’s very hard to make them. And we don’t want to upset the unions - God forbid!

What about wider roads and more roads I hear you ask, like in Germany? Well, the Germans are good at doing engineering-type things like building roads. That would take far too long here. It’s quicker and easier just to tax everyone.

Well I hope you understand. It’s not easy being Prime Minister. I need to make tough decisions, like whether to side with the Americans and the Jews or the rest of the world. But now that I’m deeply unpopular, this road tax decision has been easy. Remember, if you don’t like it, you can always catch public transport. And wait until you see the new ‘environmental’ tax I’ve got planned for that!

All my love,

A. C. L. Blair