Blair Unveils New 'Respect' Plan - January 12, 2006

Tony Blair today unveiled a new series of measures designed to tackle Britain’s growing anti-social behaviour problems.

The Prime Minister emerged from No. 10 Downing Street to Aretha Franklin’s ‘Respect’, doing a can-can dance and singing “just a little bit” with his cabinet ministers.

Under the latest ‘respect’ proposals, people could be banned from their own homes for three months for being nuisance neighbours. Gordon Brown immediately vowed to use the new legislation to evict Tony Blair from No. 10, claiming the Prime Minister is an annoyance and a pest. “I can’t take it anymore”, added the Chancellor.

Police powers would also be increased to tackle anti-social behaviour. On-the-spot punishments were needed to deter yobs, said Senior Sergeant Curly, including such tactics as the double eye-poke and multiple head slaps. He then tackled a young offender whilst exclaiming “Nyah!! Woop, woop, woop, woop!”

The Tory party dismissed the government’s respect plan as a gimmick. “Our solution to the problem would be to licence the hunting of Chavs”, said David Cameron. “I’ve already trained my dogs to recognise Burberry”.

Respect MP, George Galloway, described the plans as a disgrace, saying, “The Prime Minister has stolen my party’s name”. His plea was ignored, however, after the rebel MP failed to gain popularity on Big Brother by piercing his scrotum, having his lips injected with collagen and flashing his tits.