The Comedy Tree News Archive
Polls Predict Record Low Voter Turnout in Election - April 21, 2005
The nation’s top 3 polls today revealed that the May 5 general election is likely to see the lowest voter turnout in recent history. Turnout fell to 59% at the last election and pessimists believe voter apathy could lead to a far more disappointing figure this time around.
The polls also revealed the top ten reasons why people aren’t voting in the British election:
1. They’ve already voted last year for Big Brother, I’m a Celebrity…, and Pop Idol and can’t afford to send anymore text messages.
2. Now that countries like Iraq are voting, it’s just so third world.
3. People are sheep. Baaah.
4. Most Sun readers believe Tony Blair died a few weeks ago and that the election will be decided this week in the Vatican conclave.
5. Democracy is an illusion created by the intellectual elite. People are only truly free when they discard their possessions, run naked through the forest, and worship Gur the God of Slough.
6. They have more important things to worry about, such as watching people having their fat hoovered out on Cosmetic Surgery Live.
7. If you were running for government, do you really think they’d vote for you?
8. Politicians are like petulant children - voting will only encourage the bastards.
9. If they can’t do it online, why bother?
10. The candidates are not who they pretend to be - Tony Blair is really Satan’s sidekick ‘Goatboy’, Michael Howard is a vampire from the 16th century who lives off the blood of asylum seekers and Charles Kennedy is a post-op transsexual Ginger Spice.
