The Comedy Tree Predictions for 2007 - 4 January, 2007

Global warming will continue to cause extreme weather phenomena when it reaches a whopping 29C in London during July. Thousands will die from the shock of seeing the sun two days in a row.

Britney Spears will put on 8 stone after her career comeback fails. This time, she will post her own pictures of her vagina on the internet.

Plans for the London Olympics will run so over budget that all Londoners will be required to take a second job. The public will be outraged when it is discovered that no work has actually taken place however. An inquiry will reveal that the PPP, to which the work was contracted out, consists of Multiplex and Railtrack, neither of whom could be contacted at their offices in the Bahamas.

All TV shows will be replaced by reality TV. East Enders will feature real deadbeats from the East End, indistinguishable from the current cast. The storylines and plots will improve one hundred fold.

Tony Blair will be forcibly removed from 10 Downing Street, only to move into a cardboard box across the road and refuse to leave. Cherie Blair will disown him and marry Simon Cowell.

Seeking a fresh mandate, Gordon Brown will call a snap election and allow people to vote via mobile phone to increase voter participation. In a surprise upset, he will be evicted from Government and will be replaced by Simon Cherie-Cowell.

President Bush - in an effort to increase support for his party prior to the 2008 Presidential elections, Bush will invade the UK having confused it with the Ukraine. On realising his mistake, he will claim that regime change was required in the UK to make the world safer. New Prime Minister Simon Cherie-Cowell will then be hanged on an episode of the X-Factor, making it the most watched show of the year.

The NHS will be abandoned in favour of a more effective health system, consisting of posting a packet of plasters and a bottle of aspirin to every citizen in Britain. The scheme will only cost an additional £11 trillion.

British Rail - A Channel 4 News investigation will discover that total annual spending on rail network improvement and maintenance has been £11.46 for the last 15 years. A preliminary government inquiry will find no one responsible and order the closure of the railways while the main inquiry is conducted by the same officials as the Diana Inquiry.