The Comedy Tree Predictions for 2006 - January 05, 2006

David Cameron - Defeats the Labour government in a snap election after Tony Blair is smothered with a pillow by Gordon Brown. Cameron wins on the promise to “return respectability” to British politics and immediately appoints David Blunkett, now a strong conservative, Edwina Currie, and Jeffery Archer to his cabinet. Only two people actually vote for Gordon Brown, one of whom is his mum.

Mother Nature - After having a very successful 2005 with such hits as Katrina and the Boxing Day Tsunami, Mother Nature plans to follow up with more mayhem and destruction. However, after much fanfare, Katrina II: The Judgement of LA, fizzles out after producing poor wind speed and weak earth movements. Much is blamed on the storm’s star, Steve Guttenburg.

The Saddam Trial - As the trial enters its second year, its American puppet masters will seek revenue and sponsorship opportunities and replace Judge Rizgar Mohammed Amin with Jerry Springer to boost ratings. Springer’s approach of seeking to heal the hurt and anger between George W Bush and Saddam Hussein will attract large audiences. The show will end when Saddam lunges at George W with a shoe and breaks his earpiece.

Michael Jackson - The acquitted pop singer will marry Gary Glitter in the UK under the new Civil Partnership laws. The union will hit trouble when the couple face bankruptcy after their chain of infant crèches, called Rock With You, fails.

Chico - The X-factor contestant is given his own Saturday night entertainment show on ITV which debuts to record-low ratings. Realising that the show will be axed and that his short lived career is over, Chico then kills himself live on air during the second show. Ironically, his suicide is viewed by a record 42 million people.

Ken Livingstone - Goes on a congestion charge spree, extending the charge to busy pubs, the tube and dwellings housing Aussie and Kiwis. He sparks outrage when the charge is extended to cover people who are congested.

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Reforms death penalty legislation in California to make televised executions more appealing. The executions are televised weekly as a game show in which convicted criminals fight for their lives and have the chance to run to freedom if they elude their killer stalkers. Not since the height of the Roman Empire has execution been so popular.

George Bush - Eats shit and dies (just kidding). After escaping indictment for wire taping the public, sanctioning torture and presiding over an administration rife with corruption, Bush is finally impeached for downloading music illegally from the internet. His main victim, Britney Spears, insists the President faces the death penalty on the new, Californian execution game show.

Peter Andre & Jordan - Peter Andre dies in his sleep after being smothered by one of Jordan’s breasts. Forensic evidence later reveals he did not actually suffocate, but died of a brain haemorrhage caused by a massive nipple indentation to the forehead.