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Foreign Secretary Denies Peerages 'For Sale' - March 16, 2006
Foreign Secretary Jack Straw has insisted recent complaints that peerages are ‘up for sale’ under the current Labour government are completely false.
The Foreign Secretary’s denial was made after Chai Patel revealed he had loaned the Labour party over a million pounds. Approximately 2.78 seconds later he was nominated Chai, Duke of Twingings Spices.
In an interview with John Snow the Foreign Secretary said, ‘John, I would ask you not to say we give these titles away for favours.’ He then added, while slightly leaning his head to the right and winking, ‘Or should I say, Sir John?’
Officials from the Lords Appointment Commission, who manage the selection process, said that money had nothing to do with considerations for knighthood. Key qualifications are applicants with poor dental hygiene, wiry eyebrows, stick-outy ears, and a penchant for incest.
Benefits of the highly sought after peerage status include:
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The ability to say ‘Tut-tut’, ‘Old Chap’ and ‘Here-Here’
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A better understanding of the culture of local ‘natives in the Congo’
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100% guarantees that you will live until your 105 (or at least until you look like you’re already 105)
In related news Sir Bob Geldof was arrested last week for trying to sell his recently received title on eBay. The asking price quoted was an iota of musical talent.