Microsoft Launches Vista to the Masses - 1 February, 2007

Software giant Microsoft has launched the long-awaited new version of its Windows operating system, Vista.

Vista boasts an improved, graphical interface, enhanced security tools and has several modes that users can select based on their lifestyle. 'Single’ mode comes porn-ready and automatically logs on to chat sites, organising blind dates for the user with hot teens who are actually bald, fat men in their fifties.

The ‘Sports’ mode replaces technical language, such as ‘program error’, with sports interview language such as, ‘This program was a real team player that gave 110%, but at the end of the day, the victory went to a better program’.

‘Relationship’ mode switches itself on if Vista detects a girlfriend attempting to access ‘special’ folders. Its Porn GuardTM feature morphs pictures of big-titted beauties into innocent pictures with Aunty Cheryl.

There are also different regional versions of Vista. When users download the Polish version, it will run on computers with very little cache, but for much longer periods. With the Australian version, the software also downloads several ‘mate’ versions of itself, which stay on the user’s hard drive for ‘a couple of weeks’. And the South African version will only run on white computers.

When asked if Vista delivered on its “Wow” promise, one user said, “Yes, when I first used it, I thought, Wow, they’ve copied nearly every feature of Mac’s OS X.”

Microsoft also announced additional ‘themes’ for the operating system:

● El Vista - Cheaper version made in Mexico that stops working after 4 months

● Bista - Gravy-themed version that goes well with roast beef

● Sista - Blessed and chaste version for computers in convents

● Don’t dis da Sista - Version with bling and a big booty

● Fista - Version that quickly recovers from repeated punches after freezing and losing all your work when on a deadline.