MI5 to Send Email Terror Alerts - 11 January, 2007

A system sending email terror alerts to the public is being launched by security chiefs at MI5.

People will be able to register on the MI5 website to receive the regular updates which will entitle terror subscribers to £2 off every MI5 terror event.

MI5 chief Dame Jen Erate Fear said the emails reflected how terror had really caught on as of late. “It’s great that we now have someone to blame for everything. The British have long suspected that everyone hates us - now we have a religious and ethnic group to take it out on whilst pretending to save the world. Sign up to our email list this month and get two for one terror reward points.”

The terror emails will include terror ‘gossip’ about who’s planning to blow up what, based on intelligence (material copied from the internet); a weekly terrorist profile in which a topless terrorist talks about their favourite missile and what they’d do if they could get their dirty little hands on a naughty infidel; and a cryptic terror sudoku, which if solved, will automatically notify MI5 of the winner’s details for potential employment (this is actually a trick terrorist aptitude test and the winner will actually be taken into custody with no trial and be sodomised).

There will also be a James Bond look-alike photo competition, where subscribers can send in pictures of themselves posing as Daniel Craig. The first winner was a Mr Potato Head from Watford dressed in a tuxedo.

MI5 will be setting up a 24-hour terror customer assistance line, where callers can speak to intelligence officers in India about their terror concerns, after being on hold for 25 minutes.

Erich McElroy of the Comedy Tree claims that MI5 has simply stolen the club’s idea for a seemingly informative newsletter which is actually about nothing. “I’m on their mailing list. They make terror jokes which aren’t funny and then offer discounts to live terror shows featuring terrorists no one's ever heard of. Like 90% of people, I always just delete them.”