The Comedy Tree News Archive
Lambeth Council Must Die - April 28, 2004
I hereby issue a fatwa against The London Council of Lambeth, declaring a holy war against them and every one of their employees. God willing, they will all die.
On Tuesday, April 27, my car was parked in Stonehouse St, Clapham whilst I was in a meeting at Infernos nightclub. The meeting ran a little long and my parking ticket expired at 3pm. At 3.11pm, I was issued a lovely pink, penalty charge notice. At 3.20pm, an even lovelier yellow sticker, authorising the removal of my car was stuck to my windscreen. Two minutes later, my car was kidnapped.
After several phone calls and being put on hold for over 15 minutes, I learned that Lambeth Council was holding my car for a £200 ransom. Now a parking fine, I can handle. I’ve even tolerated clamping. But being towed within 20 minutes of a parking ticket expiring calls for nothing less than total and utter, nuclear annihilation of this corrupt, evil, un-educated pack of scum-sucking, dog-wanking, cunt monkeys.
I now call on you to join me in fulfilling the will of God. The council’s number is 0207 926 9000. Call them and press 2 for Parking Inquiries. Inform them that, due their evil deeds, you have been forced to plant a bomb in their building which will go off in an hour, give or take about 45 minutes, and could they please all stay in there, because they all really deserve to die. Tell them if they attempt to leave the building, God will give them cancer.
The pound, where I found my poor kidnapped car, is located at 92 Warner St, Camberwell, SE5 9HQ. They too must all die. If you’re a potential suicide bomber, I’d like you to keep strapping dynamite to your chest until you’re the size of Santa Claus, and then pay these dogshit-eating, spawn of Satan a visit. If you simply happen to be in the area, by all means drop in and give these benevolent, moralistic people any bodily waste you can spare. They will probably offer it a job.
Lambeth Council’s email address is ParkingEnquiries@lambeth.gov.uk. Please write to them and wish death and disease upon each and every one of them.
Kind regards,
Pete Jonas
