Bush Declares Kong A Threat: Bombs Tanzania - December 22, 2005

The United States has launched a devastating aerial attack on the African republic of Tanzania after concern about the terrorist threat posed by reckless, giant ape, King Kong.

In an emergency address to US citizens, President Bush said America had no choice but to confront the threat of Kong head-on, after he attacked the Empire State Building, killing six US Air force biplane pilots. 

When questioned about why Tanzania was attacked and its links with King Kong, President Bush responded by saying “We will bring freedom to the monkey peoples.”

The Pentagon produced a dossier of evidence against Kong which accused the giant gorilla of being a radical Muslim in possession of projectile bananas and rocket-propelled coconuts. Kong allegedly converted to Islam in 2002 after associating with Yusuf Islam, formerly known as folk singer Cat Stevens. He then took the name Mohammed Ichbal King al-Khong.

According to the Pentagon, Kong has tried to acquire large quantities of icecream and bananas and has been developing banana-enrichment facilities in his home country of Skull Island. This prompted US fears of Kong developing a weapons-grade, banana split.

Kong is said to resent the West for the unflattering portrayal of his kind in the 80s, through characters such as Grape Ape, Magilla Gorilla and the popular arcade game, Donkey Kong.

When reached for a statement, Kong roared, beat his chest and threw a barrel on US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s younger brother, Mario Rumsfeld.