Jesus Christ in Legal Battle to Get Licence - May 12, 2005  

Since radical anti-terror measures become law as part of the Patriot Act, the saviour of man has had difficulty obtaining a driver's licence in the state of West Virginia.

After finding a cheap flight on the internet, Jesus Christ arrived in West Virginia on a reconnaissance expedition to prepare for the second coming. But after buying a property near Lost River, about 100 miles west of Washington, with myrrh, he ran into difficulties. More specifically, Christ fell short of West Virginia title and license transfer requirements because his birth certificate has his original name on it as ‘Horn of Salvation’, a nickname from Luke 1:69 he sometimes uses.

"We just need official documentation that that's his name," said Doug Stump, commissioner of the West Virginia Division of Motor Vehicles. "He will be treated no different than anybody else but we do appreciate him turning the lobby water cooler contents into wine (hiccup)."

New US anti-terrorist measures requiring biometric data on passports have also caused problems for Christ. Being holy, his biometric readings are invisible to mortals. “If only these morons would go back to UV lighting,” He said. “Then they’d be able to see my stigmata and everything”.

Other developments introduced by Satan since Christ’s last visit, such as marketing, have also caught him off guard. He now has 16 mobile phone contracts, 6 lots of double glazing and about 23 credit cards. He has also experienced problems getting into nightclubs. “It’s always something about membership or open-toed shoes” Christ complains.

But Jesus’ biggest problem however has been police line-ups. “There’s always some long-haired, South American gang-banger called Jesus that the cops are looking for. Boy, I’d like to catch the guy. I’d love to, you know, forgive him.”