Jade's India visit No 'Publicity stunt' - 1 March, 2007

Big Brother contestant Jade Goody has apologised to the Indian community and Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty during a visit to the Indian capital Delhi.

Ms Goody insists that she is in India on a ‘private visit’, denying what anyone without a neurological condition would describe as a blatant publicity stunt. “I, like, always travel with 9 publicists, 75 photographers and a spare foot for my mouf, innit?”

Goody’s agent, Ruth Less, wearing a ‘Jade’s Racially Aware Tour of India 2007’ t-shirt, said that Goody was planning to learn more about Indian culture. “She knows there’s a lot she can learn about India beyond the people who work at her local Off Licence.”

At lunchtime, Jade was spotted at an outdoor restaurant surrounded by photographers, as she tucked into a bowl of poppadoms and undercooked chicken. “It tastes nuffink like Nandos, innit?”

Afterwards, she gave away hundreds of crates of her perfume, Shhhhhhh, in the hope that she could make Indians “smell better”.

Asked what had been her favourite part of her visit so far, Goody said, “Definitely, like, the Taj Mahal innit? I mean, it’s like, the coolest Call Centre I’ve ever seen, na what I mean?"

Initially, there were concerns about Goody’s safety, but Police Commissioner, Bhribe Taker, pointed out, “No one will attack Ms Goody here. Cows are considered sacred.”

Ruth Less refused to say how long Jade’s India visit would last. Most people believe she will stay until her ‘non-existent’ publicity objectives are met. Others hope she will contract dysentery, malaria, cholera, hookworm, AIDS, the Ebola virus and spontaneously combust.

If the India tour does not resurrect her flat-lining career, animal rights campaigners fear that Ruth Less may force Goody to have multiple talent transplants. Doctors, however, say there is a 99.9% chance her body would reject any talent.