Perverts Rejoice at MICHAEL Jackson Decision - June 16  

Michael Jackson’s not guilty verdict is being hailed as a landmark victory for ‘perverts’ around the world.  The decision was described by new Pope Benedict XVI as, “a triumph for perverts and clergymen everywhere”.

“The outcome of this trial sends a clear message to the brotherhood around the world - get a good attorney and make sure the victim’s mother is a vulgar piece of trash.”

Jackson’s lawyer, Thomas Mesereau, said the former King of Pop will now focus on turning his dire financial situation around, by marketing himself as a ‘brand’ in its own right.

Planned products include a range of Michael Jackson children’s clothing featuring drawstring trousers with a velcro fly, a children’s pop-up book, and a range of Neverland ‘Jesus Juice’ wine grown on the multi-million dollar estate itself. The exclusive Neverland vineyard will be personally blessed by Jackson every morning and fertilised with a unique type of compost, made entirely from pulped porn magazines.

But the main hope in Jackson’s quest for financial salvation will be a national fleet of ice cream vans. A joint venture with OJ Simpson, the vans will be called ‘Michael’s Cream’ and feature flavours such as ‘Popped Cherry’ and ‘Chocolate Fingers’.

The vans will not play traditional ice cream jingles however, instead hoping to lure youngsters with tunes such as ‘Wanna Be Startin' Something’ and ‘Rock With You’.

Jackson has also been asked to sing the National Anthem at next year’s Super Bowl. Conservatives are concerned however, that the appearance may simply turn out to be another publicity stunt - one in which Justin Timberlake will ‘accidentally’ tear open the singer’s trousers, revealing a pale and surgically modified, alien-like penis.