Your Horoscope This Week - 5 April, 2007

Aries: March 21 - April 19

You will experience grave concern at a lump you discover in your lower abdomen. A short course of laxatives will reveal that it isn't a lump at all, but a shot glass you swallowed during a happy hour drinking spree.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

Time will stand still when you meet the most charismatic and beautiful individual you have met in over 15 years. Time will start again when you realise that you were drugged in a nightclub and are actually standing naked in a muddy field chained to a pig.

Gemini: May 21 - June 21

From the 3rd of the month when your ruling planet Venus is on the move, Mercury will enter its 4th phase, resulting in an alignment of the planets that only occurs every 333 years. This will cause one of your breasts to become slightly bigger than the other.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

The misfortunes of some can often be a blessing for others. Although Conchita’s abrupt and unfair dismissal means she will be unable to send her children to school and may have to live on the street, you will finally have a stapler of your own.

Leo: July 23 - Aug 22

Nightmares are often manifestations of problems our subconscious is wrestling with. Dreams involving screams in the dark could mean feeling helpless and overwhelmed. In your case, it's what your neighbours heard last Friday when you brought that loud, slag home.

Virgo: Aug 23 - Sept 22

You will be inspired when watching a documentary about 60s stuntman Evel Knievil, who followed his childhood dreams and became a national hero and a millionaire. Follow your dreams, be true to yourself and money will follow. Seize the day and... What's that? You have two handicapped kids and a £200,000 mortgage on a glorified dog-house? Oh. Forget what I said and remember to set your alarm for 5am.

Libra: Sept 23 - Oct 23

Now is the time to confront that niggling feeling that something isn’t quite right. With everything else in your life going well, you are finally in a position to tackle this once and for all. Go ahead and cut it off. It will only continue to upset all the women in your life, especially mummy.

Scorpio: Oct 24 - Nov 21

The question that has always plagued you about monogamy will arise again this weekend when you end up in the company of some charming swingers. Are they right? Is it natural to want to love more than one person? Maybe, but trying to get three dicks in your arse at once was perhaps a little ambitious.

Sagittarius: Nov 22 - Dec 21

Why are people always whispering about you behind your back? Always pointing and whispering, pointing and whispering. Why don’t they just go about their own business and talk about something else? Try showering.

Capricorn: Dec 22 - Jan 19

You may have AIDS.

Aquarius: Jan 20 - Feb 18

Our job defines who we are and how we feel about ourselves. Take pride in what you do. Spend time this week focusing on the needs of others, rather than yourself. Try giving that little bit extra this week which, as a parking warden, means killing yourself.

Pisces: Feb 19 - March 20

The people who make this shit up did not have time to write yours. Best of luck anyway.