The Comedy Tree News Archive
New Heathrow Terminal To Open 'Shortly' - 29 March, 2007
The new £4.3bn terminal at Heathrow Airport will be ready in exactly one year, the scheme's planners have said.
BAA officials seem confident they can deliver on the promise, having received many assurances from the project’s main contractor, Australian firm Multiplex. “We asked them and they said ‘No worries,’” said Project Manager, Grant Chart.
Terminal 5 will undergo six months of tests involving 16,000 volunteers. They will be made up of passengers already at the airport looking for luggage they lost at the existing terminals. The volunteers will endure long queues, cancelled flights and pointless security checks.
“The main focus of the new terminal will be slowing things down for the sake of security,” said Heathrow chief executive Joe Jobsworth. “Too many people want to go to too many places too quickly – and that isn’t safe.”
The new terminal will use the same signalling system as London Underground and will close at 12.30am on weeknights. “We’ve based the terminal on the District Line, using 19th century technology” added Jobsworth. “The Terminal is very robust. We are confident that we will only have to shut the airport down if there is any snow, rain, dust, wind, sunshine or air.“
A state-of-the-art food court will greet passengers who clear security, featuring six brand new Cadburys vending machines that don’t work.
T5 is said to cover an area the size of Hyde Park. “The two are quite similar,” continued Jobsworth. “When I was in Hyde Park recently, I noticed a gull circling aimlessly for hours before it was diverted to Wandsworth Common.”
The opening of T5 will be promoted with the launch of a new Terminator movie of the same name - T5: Delay of the Machines.
