'Heat Wave' Hits London Commuters - July 6, 2006

Conditions on London’s tube and bus services became unbearable this week as temperatures soared above 40C and humidity levels climbed over fifty percent.

Commuters described conditions as ‘hellish’ with several people reporting that they actually saw Satan himself on the Central Line. The Dark Prince was reported to look uncomfortable and was sweating in his pink shirt and pinstriped suit whilst trying to read a soggy copy of the Metro.

A London Underground spokesman said, “Tackling heat is one of the biggest challenges facing London Underground. We are doing everything we can to reduce temperatures on the network, as long as it doesn’t involve spending any money”. He suggested that commuters might want to avoid using public transport altogether, so that LU staff can have a few days off and enjoy the weather.

Other commuters found different ways to cope with the heat, with one man seen wearing only a white towel. “It’s just like a regular sauna”, said the man. “Except, they charge a lot more and Aussie tourists keep stealing my towel.”

Ken Livingstone agreed with London Underground, adding “The tube is making incredible profits since I jacked-up the prices. The cost of adding air-conditioning for the sake of a few lives would not make good business sense”. The Mayor said that the sun was to blame for the unbearable conditions, referring to recent temperatures as ‘heat terrorism’.

Spokesman for the London Underground division of Al Qaeda, Mohamed Humous Morehumid, denied any involvement in the heat wave. “I like the heat. It reminds me of the caves of Afghanistan when we would ride the old mining cars. Good times.”