The Comedy Tree's Tips To Beat The Heat - July 27, 2006

As the end of the world approaches and global warming transforms the UK into an outdoor sauna, here are some tips to avoid death by heat.

9. Hibernate for the summer. Have a big meal, go to your room and sleep until September. Don’t forget to set your alarm.

8. Fill your shoes with cold water and some crushed ice. Top up as necessary.

7. Avoid going to hell. Hell is roasting most of the year, but in weather like this, it can be unbearable.

6. Move to Peckham and play in the street under a broken fire hydrant. Be careful not to step on any broken glass or teeth.

5. If you’re a woman, don’t wear a bra. Stay cool by wearing a wet, white t-shirt at all times.

4. If travelling by tube, kill the driver and kick out the windscreen. Not only will you catch a cool, 30 mile per hour breeze as you travel, but you also won’t have to make unnecessary stops.

3. Leave your testicles in the freezer overnight. If you don’t have testicles, pack your vagina with ice cubes. If you have neither, pack your anus with ice cubes but go and see a doctor.

2. Avoid midday heat by not engaging in any activity during the hottest part of the day, 12 - 4 pm. If your boss gets angry, stay really still until he/she goes away.

1. Emigrate to a cooler country. You’ll also get to taste good food and see trains that work.