The Comedy Tree News Archive
Tips to beat the heat - June 10, 2004
Have you been drugged, kidnapped and woken up in Spain? No. Its actually hot in England. So if you're trying to keep cool, here are some important tips. Follow them, or suffer.
9. Hibernate for the summer. Have a big meal and then go to your room and sleep until September. Don’t forget to set your alarm.
8. Fill your shoes with cold water and some crushed ice. Top up as necessary and avoid long walks with work colleagues.
7. Avoid dressing like a Goth. It’s really shit and it can also make you hot.
6. Move to Peckham and play in the street under a broken fire hydrant. Be careful not to step on any broken glass or teeth.
5. Turn gay. GQ Magazine has research linking gay people to body temperatures up to 3% cooler than the average body temperature.
4. Kill, and then wear the skin of, a pool attendant. Masquerade as them during working hours.
3. Leave your testicles in the freezer overnight. If you don’t have testicles, pack your vagina with ice cubes. If you have neither, pack your anus with ice cubes but go and see a doctor.
2. Avoid midday heat by not engaging in any activity during the hottest part of the day, 12 - 4 pm. If your boss gets angry, take out a water gun and squirt him in the eye. Oh, how you'll both laugh.
1. Go the Comedy Tree this Thursday which is air conditioned* … Featuring Perrier Award nominee Nick Revell ("A master craftsman at work …Brilliantly funny" Time Out), BBC Comedy Award winner Josie Long, Josh Howie, David Bloom and E. McElroy as MC. Book online at www.thecomedytree.com.
*Air Conditioning above is defined as being in an underground basement, with no ventilation whatsoever.
