Google Promises Artificial Intelligence - May 27, 2006

Leading search engine company Google unveiled its future plans this week – a search engine that can understand the questions you’re asking better than you.

Speaking at a conference in London, Google co-founder Larry Page gave an insight into the company’s most ambitious project - artificial intelligence (A.I.).

"The ultimate search engine would understand everything in the world and give you back the exact right answer. For example, many men get tricked by the classic girlfriend question, ‘How many women have you slept with?’ A.I. would not only know how many women you had actually slept with, it would also know which ones might know your girlfriend and then give you the perfect answer (a convincing lie).”

Page explained how A.I. could run on increasingly smaller microchips and be used for more practical applications. “Big Brother contestants wouldn’t need to be so stupid anymore” said Page. “The show’s producers could arrange entrance tests and then decide which contestants would benefit from having an A.I. chip hammered into their heads. We’d never have to suffer the likes of Shabhaz and Chantelle ever again.”

Many businesses immediately expressed interest in the ability to ‘upgrade’ staff, as did the government. “This gives hope to everyone that public services might actually work some day” said the Transport & Health Minister. “It’s not lack of funding that’s the problem; as a government, we’re obliged to employ a certain number of ninnies that can’t get a job anywhere else. You don’t think excuses like MRSA, signal failure and leaves on the tracks are actually real do you?”

Unions immediately expressed concern at the technology. A spokesman for London Underground’s main union, Conniving Underhanded No-good Twats, eventually said, “We heard about this last week and apologise for the delay in our concern”.