The Comedy Tree News Archive
Football Violence in Portugal - June 17, 2004
Violent clashes in the Algarve between England fans and Portuguese police took a turn for the worse today after England’s hilarious last minute defeat on Sunday. Rioting and violent attacks by England fans increased ten-fold after news that an English Hooligan Army was seeking to take over, and occupy, Portugal.
Spokesperson for the Hooligan Army, Barry Dundon of Liverpool, said “We’re fed up with losing. Did you know the world darts champion isn’t even British anymore? In the name of the Queen, we’re going to return England to her former glory and do what we’ve always done best – colonise other countries”.
Dundon said the Hooligan Army felt that Portugal was a particularly good country to kick off the colonisation plan, so they could get a ‘quick win’. He described the Portuguese as “mostly short and not very aggressive”. Earlier today, the army stormed and captured the Town Hall in Albufeira, after shelling it with bottles of Red Stripe lager.
Robert Kilroy-Silk, of the UK Independence Party, endorsed the Hooligan Army’s plan. “This is exactly what our nation needs to bolster its morale and to stimulate economic growth” Kilroy-Silk said. He added that, when taken, the Algarve would make a great addition to the growing number of European towns already under British control, which include Faliraki, Magaluf, Ayia Napa and Kavos.
For those not sure whether they’ll be laughing or crying this Thursday, The Comedy Tree Putney has put together a special offer to encourage people to do both. Watch the football on big screen at the Litten Tree from 5pm. Afterwards, let The Comedy Tree make you laugh with the high-brow hilarity of Simon Evans (“Skilful, entertaining and enjoyable” Time Out), Barry Castagnola, Ava Vidal, Michael Fabbri, and Pete Jonas as MC.
