The Comedy Tree News Archive
The Comedy Tree's Election Poll - 27 April 2005
The Comedy Tree would like to know your views on next week’s Election. Please answer the questions below by picking the most correct multiple choice answer.
1. Who do think is most likely to win the 2005 British election?
a) That redhead guy who had a baby recently
b) Franz Ferdinand
c) Tony Blair because what counts is a nice smile and a good sound bite - wouldn’t he be great in The OC?
d) I couldn’t give a fuck
2. If Tony Blair and Michael Howard had a fight, who do you think would win?
a) Michael Howard because he’s strong like a vampire, because… he’s a vampire
b) Tony Blair because he’s been hording all those WMD’s for a few years now
c) The redheaded baby guy because he has Dutch courage on his side
d) I couldn’t give a flying fuck
3. Do you think Chavs should be more of an issue in the election?
a) What is a Chav? (I live on the Lower Ashburton Council Estate in Putney and shop at JD Sports)
b) Yes and why can’t we hunt them instead of foxes?
c) They are as far as I’m concerned, that’s why I’m voting for Wayne Rooney
d) I couldn’t give a flying fuck with a pig on the end of my cock/(in my vagina)
4. Do you think immigration and restrictions on asylum are a key election issue?
a) I have been to The Asylum in Fitzrovia on a Wednesday, but The Comedy Tree is much better
b) If too many people are mental and need to be put into an asylum, then yes, we should control the numbers
c) It depends, are you talking about white European asylum seekers or darker-skinned ones?
d) I couldn’t give a flying fuck with a pig on the end of my cock/(in my vagina) and melted cheese on it
5. Do you think the NHS has a future?
a) I thought the NHS had closed. Was it the one out by that store on the corner?
b) In about one year, MRSA will mutate into an endemic virus which will turn all medical staff and patients into brain-eating zombies who will overthrow the government. Within six months, employment will rise, interest rates will fall and the pound will be stronger than ever
c) A better way to fund the NHS would be to get fat people and smokers to pay their true share of the costs, because it’s all their fault
d) I couldn’t give a flying fuck with a pig on the end of my cock/(in my vagina) and melted cheese and BBQ sauce on it
6. What do you think has increased more, violent crime or council tax?
a) I’m not sure - I’m getting raped and robbed every time my rubbish gets picked up but I blame asylum seekers
b) I am a government statistician, and in my professional opinion, all politicians are lying pricks
c) Increases in council tax have been used to employ more parking wardens on unrealistic ticket targets, which has frustrated and angered car owners, leading to an increase in violent (but justified) assaults against parking wardens
d) I don’t know about all this political bullshit but this pig is starting to sound really tasty
