Cruise-Holmes Daughter Allegedly Born - April 19, 2006

Actor Tom Cruise and his bride-to-be, actress Katie Holmes, welcomed the birth of their new daughter yesterday, according to a press release from the Church of Scientology. 

The child, yet to be seen in public, was named Suri – a name which means 'princess’ in Hebrew, 'red rose’ in Persian and in Scientology means ‘my Daddy is a wacko’.

According to the Church of Scientology, the child can already speak four languages and is outspoken on current political issues, despite being only several hours old. The child immediately criticised the doctor who gave birth to her in the unnamed Los Angeles hospital, repeatedly referring to him as a ‘jerk’.

In a strange twist of fate, Cruise’s daughter was born the same day as Brooke Shields’ daughter. Last year, Cruise criticized the actress for taking antidepressants following the birth of her first child. Shields’ daughter, Grier Hammond Henchy, weighed in at 16 pounds, 38 inches - three inches taller than Cruise.

Suri is 27-year-old actress Holmes’ first child. Cruise, 43, has an adopted daughter and son with ex-wife Nicole Kidman. The former couple could not have children of their own because Cruise is a massive gay.

The two births further whetted Hollywood's appetite for the next high-profile pregnancy - Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Not to be outdone by the Cruise-Holmes birth, they plan to have their baby during the action finale of Mr. and Mrs. Smith II, where Jolie knocks down five armed assassins before knocking out a sixth with the projectile birth of their new child. Pitt then smothers the last remaining baddie with the baby’s placenta.