Cold Turkey' Prisoner Payments Spark More Claims - 15 November, 2006

Nearly 200 prisoners and former inmates forced to stop taking drugs by going "cold turkey" are to receive payments totalling £750,000.

The Home Office said it "reluctantly" decided to settle out of court to "minimise costs to the taxpayer". Taxpayers were truly delighted at the outcome. Kelly Citizen, from Cheshire said, “F*@#!! F*$#@!!”

Other drug addicts immediately formed lengthy queues outside prisons. The Home Office turned many of the addicts away, saying that prisons were full and that a ‘one in, one out’ policy was in operation. “No addicts in trainers will be allowed in”, said a Home Office spokesman.

The successful drug claim has sparked claims from other inmates. A number of burglars are claiming economic loss because of their incarceration. “I’m losing money as we speak”, said Robin Homes, a convicted burglar. “I make my living nicking things, but after I got nicked, I ended up in the nick where there’s nothing to nick.”

Former Conservative Prisons Minister Ann Widdecombe said the settlement was "an insult to every victim and every law abiding person". A spokesperson for former prisoners said Ann Widdecombe’s appearance was "an insult to every victim and every law abiding person".

A collective of fat prisoners is also suing the government for losing their ‘right to eat cakes’. A rotund prisoner added, “And we want some of this cold turkey we’ve been hearing about. With mayonnaise!!”