The Comedy Tree News Archive
Government Declares British Climate Change A Disappointment - 25 July, 2007
Environment Secretary David Miliband has declared British climate change a ‘huge disappointment’ today, claiming that it has failed to meet government targets.
“Despite our best efforts to increase global warming, such as crippling Britain’s transport systems and our ongoing expansion of airports, we’ve barely seen the sun this summer,” said Miliband. “If temperatures do not improve here soon, we’re afraid that ordinary British citizens will do something radical, like move to Spain.”
Many have complained about the lack of sun this summer, even before Britain’s summer flood crisis. One tourist said, “I’ve only seen the sun twice since I’ve been here. The second time was news footage of the first time.”
In response to the recent flood crisis, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced the development of a sea vessel to help stranded citizens. The ship, known as the Articulated Rescue Craft, or ARC, will cost an estimated £350 billion, and will be developed by a consortium made up of Metronet and Multiplex. Maintenance of the vessel will be provided by a new company, Boatrack.
The project, to be led by Lord Abraham of Noahwich, will focus on preserving endangered cultural species in flood-affected areas of the country, such as Yorkshire. Lord Noahwich stated, “We will board two specimens from a selection of species which we feel represent a cross section of modern British society. These will include Scallies, Geordies, Chavs, Slags, Toffs and the Polish.”
Insurance companies are another victim of Britain’s summer flood crisis, with payouts expected to reach £2 billion. A spokesman for Norwich Union said, “What? Insurance? I’m sorry we sell scuba supplies now.”
