New UK Citizenship Testing Starts - November 3, 2005

British citizenship tests are being launched across the UK.

The 45-minute test - covering binge drinking, slags and being ripped off and costing £340 - comes into force on Tuesday. People seeking to become British will have to queue to take the test at one of 2 centres across the country.

A spokesman for the Home Office stated that the test is not a test of 'Britishness', but is meant to be a survey of whether a person is prepared for life in the UK. “We need people to know that they can't expect much out of life - like the characters of Coronation Street. If they’re depressed already, or from Eastern Europe, then that’s a bonus.”

The ‘Life in the UK’ citizenship guide for prospective new citizens includes information on British history and society, but also practical issues key to integration such as cheating the dole, the top ten jokes about UK public services and dying of MRSA.

Initially a pass rate of only 75% will be required and applicants will be allowed to retake the test as many times as necessary. The test will be modelled on the A-level system, where each year the tests will become easier and less relevant to increase the pass rate, leading to disenfranchisement in the system and the resignation of the minister responsible. One official stated, “What could be more British than that?”

Among the 24 questions in the test are:

Question: What is the predominant religion in the UK?

A.  Catholicism

B.  Alcoholism

Question: Where are the Geordie, Cockney, and Scouse dialects spoken?

A. After 11pm, in a gutter, near a pile of vomit

B. In most betting shops by men selling things that ‘fell off the back of a lorry’

Question: What are MPs?

A. Massive Pricks

B. Massive Pricks