The Comedy Tree News Archive
New Guidelines for Child Smacking - July 8, 2004
The House of Lords has rejected an outright ban on smacking children, instead backing a compromise allowing parents to resort to "mild smacking".
The decision immediately raised concerns from children’s rights campaigners who said the legislation left too many ‘grey areas’. The Comedy Tree has therefore acted quickly to issue the following guidelines covering a large range of smacking circumstances, for anyone in doubt:
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Smacking which causes the child to see stars or to have tweety birds encircling it’s head – Banned
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Repeated ’Benny Hill-style’ smacks to the head of a bald child – Not banned
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Using the child to attempt a Kung Fu chopping feat involving planks of wood, ice or bricks – Banned
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An abrupt slap, or a series of slaps, to calm down a hysterical woman child – Not banned
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Involving the child in a re-enactment of the winning round from Rumble in the Jungle when Muhammad Ali defeated George Foreman (of grill fame) with a flurry of hooks – Banned
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Playing ‘WWF’, with the child lying motionless on the floor as a devastating elbow is delivered from the top turnbuckle (dresser) – Banned
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Three Stooges-style pokes to the eyes – Not banned (if well timed and funny)
The House of Lords now plans to examine the increasingly fashionable practice of wife smacking, still permitted in some parts of Liverpool and Glasgow. Liam Gallagher condemned the proposal.
This Thursday, The Comedy Tree will present a thigh-smackingly hilarious Edinburgh preview show featuring Russell Brand (from Big Brother’s EFOURUM & MTV - “Very impressive” TIME OUT) and the hilarious Addy Borgh (“An unassuming comic genius” METRO) with Pete Jonas as MC.
