Bush Warns Of 'Oil Addiction' - February 4, 2006

President George W Bush has warned in his fifth State of the Union address that America is “addicted” to oil.

He said that drastic measures were needed to support the needs of a “thirsty nation”, satisfied through imports from unstable countries, and admitted to guzzling up to three gallons a day himself.

“The lower his approval ratings fall, the more he turns to oil”, said an anonymous senator drinking a Castrol thick shake.

The President vowed to fight to defend freedom, praising Americans troop’s efforts in the “Oilipodean colony” of Iraq. Sipping on a Saudi Arabian crude mojito, he announced that he was closing US borders to all non-US citizens, referring to them collectively as “people of concern”.

“I can also now reveal a secret project called ‘Operation Liberation of the Bald Eagle’s Freedom Fuel’. Starting in the Alaskan wildlife preserve, we have dug a 18,000 mile tunnel through the earth and begun draining Middle Eastern oil reserves. We feel that this oil is rightfully ours because no one needs oil to ride a camel or to praise Allah, who our intelligence shows doesn’t exist.

“This crucial project wasn’t easy. We tunnelled out in a lot of the wrong places; however we deny any link between our tunnel and the collapse of the Egyptian pyramids, the leaning tower of Pisa or the three hundred men who died instantly when they emerged in the mouth of a Hawaiian volcano.

Mr Bush closed his addresses by adding, “I am please to say that, no Americans were hurt during project Operation Liberation of the Bald Eagle’s Freedom Fuel. We used only Mexican workers.”