School Bullying Changes With The Times - November 17, 2005

Bullying in school has shifted from more traditional forms of attack to abuse through sophisticated forms of violence and psychological cruelty, say head teachers.

Secondary Heads Association vice-president, Ned Cardigan, stated, “It’s not like the good old days when kids sought creative inspiration from the likes of the Three Stooges - they’d be happy with giving you a wedgie, an eye gouge or slamming your head into a locker.”

The new forms of psychological abuse include sending threatening text messages and people ringing up and not saying anything. One parent complained, “It was horrible. We didn’t know what to say - and neither did the caller.”

Physical schoolyard bullying has found new influences in modern movies and video games, making bullying far more competitive. Biff Tannen, a prolific 60s bully who now coaches young bullies, said, “Bullying is not something you can take up casually anymore. You need to be fully committed. To even make the try-outs nowadays, you need advanced bully-move combos. My grandson Griff uses the Chinese burn, noogie and double smelly bum-finger combo. I’m so proud.”

Hollywood has also influenced modern bullying, with the recent spate of Harry Potter and Lord of the Ring films inspiring ‘wizard bullying’. Cardigan continued, “Now when a kid wants to do a Chinese burn, he materialises a real Chinese person and then burns his victim alive, which is a lot harder to explain to parents.”

Traditionalist bullies are troubled by the changing trends. Eton Head Master, Percy Puffyboner, said “Here here! What happened to traditional values and imposing rule by flushing your enemy’s head down the toilet?  No wonder the colonies and the Empire have gone to shit! The smelly bum finger was a winner in Tasmania but alas - they proved impervious to it in India.”