Europe Relieved At End To 10-Year British Beef Ban - May 4, 2006

A ban on exporting British beef, imposed by the EU in 1996 to prevent the spread of mad cow disease, has officially ended.

France and some other EU states have yet to amend legislation to allow UK imports but seemed keen on the change. French chef, Pierre H’ordeurve, said “Oui, zis is good for France, ho ho ho-o. Ze prisons and dog food factories here have had to use dung to meet demand when British beef is far more suitable”.

Greece has stated it will start using UK beef this summer for kebabs and doorstops in places such Faliraki and Malia, whereas Italy has plans to produce low-grade salami for distribution via Lidl and Argos. The Netherlands plans to use the new supply of British beef as spare parts for overworked prostitutes.

Others are not so keen to see the lifting of the ban, however. John Bananas from Wigan, who suffered from BSE for a number of years said, “Arghh! Arghhh!! Ha haaa! Ha!! Ah! Look at me. I’m a birdie!!”

Animal rights campaigners have not been as welcoming of the move and are planning protests. Human rights campaigners have also branded the move inhumane after tasting British meat products in London’s West End at 1am. “£3.50 for this? Oh the humanity!!”

Beef producer Richard Phelps, who farms in Wiltshire, told Comedy Tree News that the end of the restrictions was great news. “Now I finally have an excuse to kill that lazy cow, Dora. She’ll never make fun of me again”.