Blair Fonders His Future - 10 May, 2007

With his reputation and popularity forever tainted by the Iraq war, Tony Blair is reluctantly preparing to leave Downing Street. Leaving his position of Prime Minister later this summer, and aged only 54, his vocational options seem very limited.

While observers had thought that Blair was addicted to power, many now speculate he has been unable to find another job. Normally former Prime Ministers go on international speaking engagements, land lucrative directorships and publish tell-all memoirs. Not so for Blair, according to sources, “His gmail account is empty. The PM just sits there and hits refresh all day long.”

Due to his unflinching support of the Iraq war both the UN and the European Commission quickly ruled out any positions. Even oil and tobacco boards think he might be bad for their image.

Plans for his memoirs, 'Remember When Diana Died: I Was Popular,' have also not tested well. Rumours are that the book will go straight to paperback and be printed on recycled toilet paper.

Cherie Blair’s financial adviser, Peter Foster (of no fixed address), is extremely concerned that the Blairs will not be able to keep up payments on their new Mayfair home. Foster said, “If things get tough, I know a few dozen Australians that might be interested in dossing at the Blairs’, if the price is right, and if their girlfriends and mates can stay too.”

The Blairs have already ruled out ‘signing on’. Thanks to benefit reforms introduced while he’s been in power, the family wouldn’t receive their first payment until late 2019.

In desperation Blair is said to have been seen leaving his local Job Centre, clutching an application for Enfield Used Cars. A spokesman for Enfield said, “We still need to be convinced. Whilst a car salesmen needs to be able to tell a few tall tales, prospective buyers also need to believe them.”