David Blaine Breaks Record For Being A Tosser - May 11, 2006

Illusionist David Blaine nearly drowned this week after being pulled out of a salt-water tank he had been living in for 177 hours.

Blaine was trying to break the world breath-holding record of 8 minutes, 58 seconds but hit trouble just after 7 minutes. The current record is held by the little brother of Jimmy ‘Stinky’ Jones after they were left in the car together as kids.

After being revived with oxygen, Blaine looking weak and wrinkly, addressed the crowd gathered outside the tank, “Hey, stop laughing, you bastards!”

Blaine’s website stated he had undertaken the latest stunt to demonstrate against the oppression and living conditions of goldfish everywhere. “No one hears their silent cries of pain, “Blup-blup, blup-blup”. Oh, the horror!”  

President Bush hailed Blaine’s achievement, calling him a role model for freedom, democracy and anyone who wanted to try and “hold their breath a really, really long time.”

While no immediate plans have been announced for future stunts, experts say Blaine will soon try the truly impossible. “He’s going to try and make himself not look like a tosser.”

Polls in the US have shown that 70% of Americans think that Blaine is a hero. Similar polls in the UK found that 99% of the population think he should be locked in a tank of boiling oil and then run over by double-decker bus to see if he can achieve the world record for dying painfully.