The Comedy Tree's Bird Flu Q&A - 8 February, 2007

Tests have confirmed that the avian flu which killed 2,600 turkeys at a Suffolk farm is the H5N1 Asian virus. The virus can cause illness and death in humans.

With this disease on our doorstep, it’s important to have the facts on bird flu.

Q: What exactly is bird flu?

It’s like the flu, but with birds.

Like humans and other species, birds are susceptible to flu but do not have access to Beechams Cold & Flu remedies, such as Lemsip.

Q:  What are common misconceptions about bird flu?

Bird flu is not a flu that only affects women, as is commonly believed in the North of England.

It is not possible to catch the avian flu if a bird ‘flew’ past you. This is simply a verb and is not contagious.

Q: How do humans catch bird flu?

Bird flu was thought only to infect ‘pink’ flamingos until the first human cases were seen in a San Francisco nightclub in 1997.

Humans catch the disease by making passionate love to birds without using condoms, which is common in parts of Wales, New Zealand and Arkansas.

Q: How many people have been affected?

The World Health Organization To Help Eliminate Future Uncontrolled Catastrophes (WHOTHEFUC) has confirmed 270 cases of bird flu in humans, leading to 164 deaths. On a global population of 6 billion, this means you are 3.3 x 1013 times more likely to die from eating a kebab.

Q: How quickly is the disease spreading?

One bird at a time.

Q: But it can't yet be passed from person to person?

Yes it can, but only on Brokeback Mountain.

Q: What would the consequences of a mass outbreak be?

Once the virus gained the ability to pass easily between humans the results could be catastrophic.

Worldwide, experts predict anything between 2 million and 50 million deaths, but these numbers are not based on any facts and were arrived at using a dart board and some dice.

Q: Can I continue to eat poultry?

Colonel Ahmed from the Putney Tennessee Fried Chicken says, “No problem! We mainly use recycled McChicken Nuggets and styrofoam in our chicken kebabs. There is no real chicken to be worried about!”