Litten Tree Closed Due To Bird Flu Panic - October 27, 2005

Health experts today warned that panic about the potential outbreak of bird flu was likely to hit pandemic levels. The outbreak of panic in Western countries with strong media coverage has been systemic, with authorities saying they could not control the rampant spread of concern.

Despite any evidence to suggest its actual existence, bird flu panic has raised concern about the notional spread of other animal diseases to humans, such as Ostrich Hodgkin’s, Elephant Alzheimer’s and Camel’s toe Chlamydia.

The panic pandemic has caused the closure of the Litten Tree pub in Putney. The pub’s manager, last seen heavily medicated to cope with his anxiety about the possible outbreak of the disease, said “I was once a breast man, but now, I’m into vaginas”.

Concern about the disease was very low in third world countries such as Africa, primarily due to the lack of American media conglomerates. “We are not so worried about this here”, said Nigerian journalist Aboobuka Doodoo. “We use condoms when we fuck chickens”.

Western governments have been surprised by the low number of pregnancies caused by the panic. Pregnancies normally surge during pandemics, most notably during the great humping plague of 1973. Instead, because of declining marriage rates and increased slaggism, there has been a surge in wanking, evident in the sharp increase in broadband subscriptions.

Some bird-based websites have suffered massive declines in traffic, such as cluckfucker.de and chicken-titties.com.