Al Qaeda Newscast Debuts On Internet - September 29, 2005

Terrorist organization Al Qaeda announced its foray into broadcast journalism and entertainment this week with a new 15 minute 'show' featuring a variety of programming, according to Italian news agencies.

“We in Italy notice these things first because we take such long naps in the afternoon, we have nothing to do but read Arab websites,” stated journalist Mr. Piza Lasanga.

‘Sunrise with Osama’ began its first broadcast with a masked gun man behind a desk cordially asking Bin Laden about his favourite breakfast cereal. “Oatso Simple!” retorted Bin Laden. “The name is genius because it sounds like oh-so simple, but they are oats which are simple to make, so it’s Oat-so Simple. Fantastic!”

But Bin Laden said that he came on the show, and indeed funded it, so people could understand his ‘inner terrorist’. “When I was in junior terrorist camp, I fell in love with this beautiful girl with amazing…erm… eyes. But then she blew herself up. So now lots of people must die.”

The short broadcast includes a commercial break advertising two upcoming Al Qaeda produced films - ‘Basra Hills Cop’, starring Ahmed al-Murphy as a down and out Jihadist who battles against the odds to stake out an oil field, and ‘Jihad Recall’ - where a muscular Bin Laden with a heavy Austrian accent becomes paranoid and starts having flashbacks about two buildings collapsing in a city overrun with infidel dogs.

The newscast concludes with a Middle Eastern weather report - “Hot, with hotter spots where we will blow up buses causing light showers of heathen’s blood” - before introducing a new Arabic reality TV show, ‘I’m a Hostage Get Me Outta Here’.