Al Qaeda Newscast Debuts On Internet - September 29, 2005

Terrorist organization Al Qaeda announced its foray into broadcast journalism and entertainment this week with a new 15 minute 'show' featuring a variety of programming.

‘Sunrise with Osama’ began its first broadcast with a masked gun man behind a desk cordially asking Bin Laden about his favourite breakfast cereal. “Oatso Simple!” retorted Bin Laden. “The name is genius because it sounds like oh-so simple, but they are oats which are simple to make, so it’s Oat-so Simple. Fantastic!”

But Bin Laden said that he came on the show, and indeed funded it, so people could understand his ‘inner terrorist’. “When I was in junior terrorist camp, I fell in love with this beautiful girl with amazing…erm… eyes. But then she blew herself up. So now lots of people must die.”

The short broadcast includes a commercial break advertising two upcoming Al Qaeda produced films, ‘Basra Hills Cop’, starring Ahmed al-Murphy as a down and out Jihadist who battles against the odds to stake out an oil field.

The other film is ‘Jihad Recall’, where a muscular Bin Laden with a heavy Austrian accent becomes paranoid and starts having flashbacks about two buildings collapsing in a city overrun with infidel dogs.

The newscast concludes with a Middle Eastern weather report, “Hot, with hotter spots where we will blow up buses causing light showers of heathen’s blood”, before introducing a new Arabic reality TV show, ‘I’m a Hostage Get Me Outta Here’.