Al-Qaeda Takes Stock - 5 July, 2007

Leaders of the terrorist organisation Al-Qaeda are reported to have called an urgent meeting after the weekend’s failed bomb attacks in London and Glasgow.

The meeting was called ahead of the upcoming Terror Annual General Meeting (AGM) due to take place in Afghanistan next week.

Appearing on Beta-Max recording of the meeting, leader-in-hiding Osama bin Laden said the failed UK attacks were a huge embarrassment, “Terror is only terrifying if people die. Crashing vehicles into bins? Flaming cars? Passengers covered in chapatti flour? I didn’t realise we had recruited Mr Al Bean.”

Bin Laden said poor performance by Al Qaeda UK over the last 2 years and a failure to meet its European terror targets had seen Sharia-compliant shares in the organisation fall. “Our operations in the UK have lost their focus. What is the point of attacking Tiger Tiger when it is full of fat slags from Essex dancing to YMCA? It’s already terrifying."

“Our UK operation had made great progress over the past decade by introducing MRSA and ridiculously long queues into the NHS. Praise be to the great Harold Al Shipman for for his good works. But now that our NHS operatives have been uncovered we must look again to Railtrack, which caused rail commuters unprecedented terror."

The upcoming Terror AGM will feature a special guest speaker in Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He will deliver a key note speech entitled, ‘How to Blame the Jews for Everything’.

Winners of the Annual Global Terror Awards will also be announced at the meeting. Nominees include terror cells in Gaza, Lebanon and the White House.  A lifetime achievement award will be given to Ken Livingstone for degrading London’s public transport system and the introducing the terrifyingly stupid Congestion Charge.