The Comedy Tree Advice Column -  March, 2004

Dear Comedy Tree,

My boyfriend seems to have no time for me anymore. He is a comedian and when he’s not performing, he’s either writing, or talking about comedy with other comedians. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much yet he hardly seems to have any time for me. We haven’t had sex in weeks. What can I do?

Piss off Carol. I’m busy.
 

Dear Comedy Tree,

I have been married to my wife for eight years. She is 25 and quite fit and I’m 36 but look older. Lately we have talked about being more open to sex, and my fantasy is to watch her have sex with another man. She seems keen on the idea but I’ve never done anything like this before. What should we do?

We'll fuck her. Like she won't believe. Tell her to drop by the club on Thursday in something slinky. Check our website on Friday morning for her video to realise your fantasy.
 

Dear Comedy Tree,

How should singles with children manage dating?

By staying home and looking after your kids. Haven't you done enough damage already? Is that what they really need? To hear you having it off with some stranger, while they're lying awake in the dark? You make me sick.
 

Dear Comedy Tree,

Last Thursday I went out and had quite a bit to drink. I don’t remember getting home but at about four in the morning, the light came on and I found myself standing naked in my flatmate’s room pissing against her radiator. I feel out of control. What should I do?

You must be a foreigner that's slowly turning British. Feelings of 'being out of control' are only temporary. In a few months, you'll probably be woken by your housemate after vomiting and passing out on her during sex. The main thing is to get through each day remembering as little as possible. Welcome to Britain. It's 'Great'.
 

Dear Comedy Tree,

I've had long hair for years and I feel like a change. I've been thinking about getting it cut short but my boyfriend doesn't want me to. What should I do?

What? Are you fucking joking? How about you just make a fucking decision? God I hate this job! I know we occasionally get a letter about something trivial but this takes the fucking cake. Are you going to write to us next week asking what to have for breakfast? What the fuck is wrong with people? You want my advice? Have rat poison for breakfast, shave your head and cut your throat.