NHS Deficit 'No Big Deal' - June 8, 2006

The NHS deficit has doubled to over £512m, despite jobs cuts, ward closures and more delayed operations.

Patients have been baffled at massive government spending increases on healthcare amid declining services. '”My GP's office is in a cardboard box in a car park in Slough. Of course he does drive a new BMW and has a trophy wife who he recently had fitted with new airbags.”

Spending investigations show that most funds have gone towards diamond encrusted anal probes and platinum fillings for House of Lords peers, and therapeutic 'spa weekends' in the Bahamas to reduce the stress of working a 15 hour week.

Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt denied that deficits were a bad thing. “Sure funding has doubled and we still can't provide services. But the NHS is a bit like an old car – you pour money into it to fix one thing and then another thing breaks. What would be ideal is if the whole thing caught on fire and we could get new for old on our insurance policy (winks at Gordon Brown).”

Ms Hewitt also stated, “At least we haven't released any rapists. I don’t think. What’s that? Oh.”

Dr Frank Payne, of the British Medical Association, said “The government has wasted billions of pounds on management consultancy fees and failed computer systems. The debt could be wiped out if they’d actually listen to those that work in the service.” Ms Hewitt, however, responded by asking, “Who knows more about running a health service - hereditary peers who have inherited their title through good breeding and God or people who like to stick thermometers in other people’s bottoms?”

Another patient, Dick Cockburn, thought services had improved. “It used to be I'd wait 52 weeks for an appointment. Now I only wait 49 weeks, as long as I say it’s an emergency.”