The Comedy Tree News Archive
24-Hour Drinking Laws Made Tougher - February 10, 2005
The government has announced plans to make 24-hour drinking tougher. The new rules will mean that those entering a venue granted a 24 hour late licence cannot leave the premises for 24 hours, and must drink for the entire time.
Tests of the policy in Newcastle resulted in a socially acceptable fatality rate of less than 15%. Drinkers that survived the test took on a Pete Doherty-like appearance, with some even nailing their livers to their heads. A young lady who couldn't remember her name and was wearing only a thong said, “I like Smirnoff Ice. You have nice eyes. Can I suck your c*ck?”
The Queen quietly gave her backing to the plan, saying, “It’s what mother would have wanted”, with Prince Harry also quick to agree.
Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy denounced the plan as a ruse. “They want everyone drunk all the time to hide the fact nothing has changed since 1997 (hiccup). Everything is worser (uh), bader, ah f*ck it”, sais Kennedy before falling into a hedge.
The Tories were quick to announce their policy on the issue. Their proposal, in the form of a white paper, appeared to be identical to the Government's but with the words 'New Labour' crossed out on the front and the words 'Tory Party Policy' written on in crayon.
