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New ‘Modern’ Bible Hits Bookstores - September 22, 2005
A new version of the Bible which its author says can be read in less than two hours has been launched.
The ‘100-Minute Bible’ was written as a page-turner for those who do not have the time to read the full version.
Its author, the Rev Michael Hinton, said the Church came up with the idea after their attempt at a 140 character text bible failed. “We wanted to get the bible down to a single text message, because anyone thick enough to still believe the whole ‘Jesus’ story in this day and age probably can’t read.”
The 100-Minute Bible has also been ‘sexed-up’ for retailers such as Waterstones and Borders, who have included the book in their ‘3 for 2’ and ‘Oprah’s Choice’ ranges. “Since the Da Vinci code has sold so well” added Hinton, “we included a steamy sex scene between Mary Magdalene and Jesus, where he rubs myrrh all over her tits”.
The Church’s last big marketing drive was centuries ago, when it launched the New Testament. In attempt to embrace modern marketing, the Church recently purged its database of non-believers and signed promotional tie-ins with partners such as Weatherspoons, who will be offering 'The Holy Meal Deal' - consisting of bread and wine - to promote the launch of the 100-Minute Bible.
The 100-Minute Bible will also be available in a limited edition, hard cover ‘Director’s cut’ with an alternate ending, where Jesus lives not only lives, but defeats Satan in a ‘West Side story-like’ knife fight.